Prologue
45….. 47…49…50. Ahh. Just got enough money for bail, after that little yellow rodent and that….that psychotic….….thing, Caiman, got me banged up, as well as making me glow in the dark. So far, I’ve been hit by a battleship the size of a small planet, been the target of a nuclear missile bigger then Falco’s ego, and generally been abused by half the population of Lylat, and yet I’m still queuing up for more. And why?…..
At this point, he looks behind the camera to see the director holding a large wad of cash with his name on ….Ummmm….. Because I love my job. Oh well, that’s in the past now. Today, I’m doing a nice quite interview in the middle of viridian forest. Nice and gentle. Nothing could possibly go wrong….
Jolteon: Hi. I’m just waiting in a clearing for my two guest to turn up
Falco: Hi Jolteon!
Jolteon: Falco? What the heck are you doing here?
Falco: Nothing, nothing. I’m just randomly walking and just happened to stumble on you today.
Jolteon: Riiight.
Falco: Nice weather, isn’t it?
Jolteon: What do ya want?
Falco: emmm….errrrr….I’ve come to give you your toothbrush back.
Jolteon: What! I left it in my house this Morning. After brushing my teeth.
Falco: exactly! What would you have done if I hadn’t brought it to you!
Jolteon: Hang on, hang on. Let me get this straight. You were randomly walking in the same area ,of the same forest, at the same time I was there, and happened to stumble on me. Yet you broke into my house and searched through the bathroom to get my toothbrush – which I don’t actually need until tonight when I get home - to bring to me.
Falco: yep.
Jolteon: Riiight
Falco: Anyhowz, I was wondering. I’ve heard this little rumour going around that you were interviewing Katt Monroe today…….
Jolteon: and suddenly, it all makes sense. Wait here for a minute, she’ll turn up soon.
Just as Falco sits down to wait, the bushes next to Jolteon start to shake. Jolteon reaches into the bush, and pulls out James McCloud
Jolteon: Why the hell are you hiding in the bushes? Come to think of it, why the hell are you here at all? You’re dead!
James: uh…yeah. I’ve come to return your halo.
Jolteon: OK. Two things. First, I’m not dead. And Second, even If I was dead, I’d be in "the other place"
Devil: Hell yeah!
Jolteon: admit it. You’re here to see katt you dirty old man!
James: how dare you say that. I’m a cultured, sophisticated….
Wolf: Pervert?
James: ….Pervert…….HAY!
Jolteon: What the heck?
Wolf: Hay! That’s my line! Anyway, I head this little rumour….
Jolteon: hold on. First, you have to give the obligatory lame excuse.
Wolf: oh Yeah. Sorry. I’ve come to give you back your….ummmmm…sanity
Jolteon: I lost that when I agreed to do these interviews. Fine, you can stay. Dreamt about her recently?
Wolf: : What are you talking about? I never dream about katt…. Sweet, sweet katt ……….. who is always on my mind……….. Whose tuff of white hair drives me wild……….katt who I want to be with for ever…..
James: I think I’m gonna throw up
Falco: Hay, back off, pal! Everyone knows she likes me
Wolf: Oh, belt up bird boy! She likes you about as much as Pigma likes diets!
Falco: Why you little……I’m gonna rip out your other eye!
Just then, thankfully, Pigma appears out of the bushes.
Pigma: Hi Jolteon. I’ve just heard…
Jolteon: All right! That does it! Anyone here to see katt, come out NOW!
Jolteon is then crushed under the pounding feet of Peppy, fox, Leon and Andross
Leon: Andross? What the heck are you doing here?
Andross: I only had one line until now. I want a bigger roll.
Jolteon: Fine, whatever. Hay Fox, are you crazy? What if Fara finds you drooling over Katt!
Fox: Don’t worry. I have cunningly distracted her
Andross: How’d you do that?
Fox: I gave her a credit card.
Falco: Clever. Very clever.
Just then Slippy appears from behind a tree
Slippy: Hi guys! I heard this rumour that Jolteon is……….
Jolteon: All right, all right! You can stay to see katt.
Slippy: Who cares about katt. I’m here to see J.Wolfman.
Everyone looks at Slippy, and increases their opinion that the frog is one Arwing short of a squadron.
Just then, a roar of a jet engine is heard. The catspaw then blasts into view, hovers for a moment, then lands in the clearing. The door opens, and the female feline herself appears at the hatch.
Jolteon: Welcome katt. It’s good to see you made it. Now if we can just…….
Wolf: Hello miss Monroe. May I say you look fantastic today
Falco: yes, you look stunning.
James: elegant.
Leon: amazing.
Fox: lovely.
Andross: Like a queen.
Pigma: like a million bucks.
Peppy: more like a trillion.
Slippy: Where’s Wolfman?
Andrew: stupendous.
Katt: Why, thank you guys.
She blows them a kiss. They stand stupefied for a moment, fighting for consciousness, pulses racing faster then Pigma for the dinner queue.
Jolteon: You guys are so shallow.
Falco: what….say…….pretty…….lady……..think………not…….straight
Just then the cargo ship Violet vision pops into view and nestles neatly next to the catspaw. J Wolfman steps boldly out.
Jolteon: Hi Jason.
Jason: Hi Jolteon, you old Pokémon.
Jolteon: Now you’re here, we can start the interview.
Jason: Not yet. I need to unload a few things.
Jason presses a button on the ships hull. A hatch opens on the underbelly, and Jolteon is buried under 2 metric tons of pretzels.
Jolteon: I see you still like the old pretzels.
Jason: Sure do.
Jolteon extracts himself from the pile of delicious pastry treats
Jolteon: Right. Now we’re ready to begin.
Jason: :cough: :cough: Jolteon………
Jolteon puts the pretzel hidden in his coat back on the pile
Jolteon: still as sharp as ever when it comes to pretzels
Jason: I’ll show you how sharp my sabre is if you ever touch my pretzels again. Now, that makes this the 1067 time you’ve tried to nick my pretzels. So far, I’ve caught you 1066 times
Andross: What happened the other time?
Jolteon: I blasted him to near death with an ion cannon. Right enough fooling around, let’s start the interview. Katt, being one of the few female pilots in Lylat, do you ever feel lonely?
Katt: How could I with all the guys around me? It’s strange that. They always seam to like being with me.
Jason: (Dryly) I wonder why?
Jolteon: Ok. Now Jason. You waged a one man war on venom because they nicked your ship.
Jason: The ship? I couldn’t two hoots about the ship. It was the 40 tons of pretzels inside it. I got the ship back in the end, but the pretzels were gone. I wonder where they went?
Andross: umm….errrrr….I have no idea :burp:
Jolteon: So why do you like pretzels so much.
Jason: Well, they are just so tasty…..mmmmmm…..pretzels…… Starts drooling
Jolteon: That Wolf has problems. Anyhowz, Katt. Do you have a boyfriend at the moment?
Katt: Not at the moment, but that could be fixed by the end of the day…..
She blows a kiss at Fox. Fox stares at her, stupefied by what she just said.
Jolteon: Katt, please. I have enough trouble getting sense out of him already. I’ve just thought of something. We haven’t had any plotholes yet. Don’t tell me Anti-plothole 4.0™ actually works.
Just then, my laptop beeps.
Laptop: your 30-minute trial period has ended, to purchase this software, send a large wad of cash to Bill Gates.
Jolteon: The cheapskate! He gave me the demo version!
Fox: Who cares?
He goes up to katt, and passionately snoggs her.
Falco: Bastard!
Right on cue, the all-too-familiar whoosh is heard as a plothole opens up, and Fara Phonix jumps out
Fara: Hi guys! I’ve just been on a shopping spree. By the way fox, bank accounts down ten million and….Fox?
At this point she spots fox playing tonsil tennis with katt
Fara: FOX!
Fox: oh. Hello Fara. Fancy seeing you here. Hee hee….. um, you see, it’s not what you think. Yeah. Um, you see, Katt was choking. Yeah choking that’s it. And I was giving her tongue to tongue. Errr, I mean mouth to mouth.
Fara:……….
Everyone turns away from the imminent extreme violence.
Fox: honey, sweetie. Don’t look at me like that. Hay what’s that? Isn’t that a…….No, no! don’t do it….now put it down. Put it dowARRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!
When we turn back, fox is unconscious, dangling from a tree by his paws, and a cattle prod shoved up his nose, still sparking from recent use.
Fara: It’s a good job I was in a good mood today, fox. And as for you katt, you bitch
Katt: Bitch? NO ONE CALLS ME BITCH AND LIVES!
The two adversaries extend their claws, jump in for the attack – and slash each others tops to shreds. Me and Jason realise what will happen next so we turn away from the topless girls
Fara: That was my favourite top, you.…… What are you guys doing?
By now, both Katt and Fara have noticed everyone except Jolteon and Jason are ogling them, drooling slightly.
Katt: What are you looking at?
Guys:……………..
Fara: what are they doing?
Guys:……………..
Katt and Fara then realise they are topless, displaying all.
Katt and Fara: stop it!
Guys:……………..
Katt and Fara: stop it! We mean it!
Guys:……………..
Katt: You sick perverts.
Guys:……………..
Fara: You are so gonna get it!
"crack"
"ka-boing"
"smash"
"clunk"
When me and Jason turn back, Everyone is unconscious with more gashes, cuts and wounds then Leon inflected on Bill gates
Jolteon: wow. You don’t mess around.
Fara: well, at least you two give a girl some privacy.
Jason: what about you’re….ummmmm cloths problem.
Katt: I have two towels in the jet. I’ll guess they’ll have to do.
She gets the towels, and the interview continues
Jolteon: Ok. Now Katt, just why are you pink?
Jason: It’s dyed.
Katt: What!? It’s not dyed! It’s natural.
Jason: Really?
Katt: really.
Jason: Then what’s this?
He pulls out a bottle of Miss Lylat’s fur dye: #104 deep pink
Katt: well, you see, umm, it’s for….
At this point, the guys start coming round
Slippy: Man, my head’s killing me….Hay! is that the dye I asked you to get? Finally, I can be the colour I’ve always dreamed of!
Everyone …………
Slippy: What?
Jolteon: Okay then, Katt, if it isn’t dyed, why is it like that?
Katt: My mum was a red cat, and my dad was a white cat.
Jason: Oh.
Voice: Finally, I have tracked you down, and now I will destroy you!
Fox: Now, where have I heard that voice before?
Voice: let me jog your memory. "They’ve broken through the second line!"
Andross: Oh yeah! What’s his name….you know, weird thing from area 6.
Peppy: Demion?
Andross: layman?
Caiman: It’s Caiman! CAIMAN! You might have escaped my missile, but this time I will destroy you!
Leon: Why does a psychopathic animal hell-bent on causing us pain appear every time we get interviewed?
Jolteon: Because it’s funny. That….. umm…….thing is insane. We need to calm him down.
Jason: And I know just how to do it.
He goes up to the girls
Jason: Sorry.
He yanks the towels off of them, and Caiman gets a full frontal. The change is profound
Caiman: suddenly, I don’t feel hate towards people anymore. I feel fine with myself. I feel an inner peace.
Jolteon: Good thinking, Jason
Fara: I….. Don’t….. agree
Caiman: Goodbye, dudes and dudedets! I’m off to spread peace and love all over the universe!
Slippy: Really?
One second of Slippy’s sub-sonic voice was enough to break the spell over Caiman.
Caiman: What the hell was I saying? I’m gonna blast you to kingdom come, Jolteon
With that, he pulls out a large round black bomb, places it on the ground, and runs away in a suitably cowardly fashion. Everyone stares at the bomb, their profound death thoughts running through their heads
Falco: mmmmm. Katt and Fara. Topless. Mmmmmmmm.
Ok, that was a bad idea. lets go to someone who doesn’t use hormones as a brain substitute
Jolteon: well, it had to end sometime. Shame I can’t take Pikachu with me. It’s funny that. The bomb looks a bit like a fly…….
Suddenly, Jolteon snaps out of it. Grabbing a piece of paper, he hurriedly tears out two crude wings, and sticks them to the bomb.
Jolteon: Hay, Slippy. Look at the size of that fly!
Anyone with two working brain cells could tell it was still a bomb, so Jolteon didn’t have to worry about that.
Slippy: wow! It’s huge!
Slippy rapidly ate the bomb.
Slippy: yum, yum. That was tasty.
Jason: yeah I bet. I think I saw another one fly off into the forest. Deep into the forest.
Slippy: Yay!
Slippy chases the "fly." everyone else dives for cover.
"beep"
"click"
"KA-BOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!"
Slippy’s severed head lands at Andross’s feet.
Fox: I can’t believe you killed Slippy!
Falco: Yeah! We’ve been trying for years!
Katt: I could kiss you for that.
Jolteon: Well don’t let me stop you.
She goes to kiss Jolteon, but Wolf gets in the way and she ends up kissing him.
Wolf: I knew it! She loves meeeeee!
Katt: yes I do!
Falco: No she dosen….. WHAT!?!
Katt: But I love you too, Falco!
Wolf: ………….
Falco: …………
Katt: First one here gets a kiss.
Wolf: I’m coming, cupcake!
Wolf runs for katt, but is tripped up by Falco
Falco: Take no notice of that Wolf. I’m the man for you!
Wolf tackles Falco to the ground
Wolf: you’re good, but I’m best!
Falco: Yeah, right one eye!
Wolf: Bird Brain!
Falco: Flea Fur!
Wolf: Dipstick!
Falco snaps, and leaps for Wolf, knocking him for six. The two punch, kick, bite, and generally bitch-fight all over the clearing.
Peppy: You know, This wouldn’t have happened Back in my day. We would of let the lady choose. Then we would of gone to see a black and white movie, had a Spam supper, and if we were lucky, we would of got a hug at the end of the evening.
Wolf: Shut it you old nitwit!
Peppy: Old….OLD?!? YEARRRRRGGGEHHH!
Peppy leaps for Wolf, but Wolf ducks, and Peppy lays Leon and Falco out cold. He stands up, and walks over to Katt
Katt: wow, What a hunk of man! I want him!
Wolf: You got me!
Wolf goes to kiss Katt, but at the last minute Katt pulls away.
Katt: Ewwww. Your breath smells like a toilet!
Andross: Yes, after he crashed into Venom and caused $50,000 worth of damage, I’ve been making him clean my toilet with his tongue.
Katt: don’t ever come near my again!
Wolf: It’s not my fault! Andrew and Jolteon drugged me!
Andrew: Uncle Andross! Wolf’s being mean to me!
Andross: There, there, Andrew. WOLF! How dare you say that about Andrew. I’m giving you the ultimate punishment
Wolf: You can’t scare me!
Andross: From now on, you’re cleaning Pigma’s toilet!
Wolf: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
takes a breath OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Jolteon: Well, at least it can’t get any worse
Voice: If that’s what you think, wee laddie, then I think ye canine be right in your bonny head, och eye!
Jason: What the heck?
Wolf: stop nicking my line! Oh no! it’s…..HIM!
Bill Gates: aye! That be right laddie.
Jolteon: I see you haven’t got rid of the speech impediment Slippy gave you last time we met
Bill Gates: correct, yer bonny Pokémon. But I’ve ben a’ going to speech therapy, an’ I’m working on that wee problem.
James: you’re insane! We’ll stop you. Again.
Bill Gates: nay, nay. I’h be thinking its thrice lucky. The wee frogs looks worse then a lump of haggis, and the lizard out colder then ol’ Nessie. Denny try to stop me releasing windows 64!
Jason: No! this can’t be happening!
Jolteon: Don’t worry guys, luckily we have a backup backup torture system!
He goes up to the girls, and rips the towels off. Everyone has learnt their lesson and looks away. Leaving Bill gates staring at the duo.
Katt: why, you sick man!
Fara: anger…burning anger….urge to kill…..rising.
Bill Gates: Mmm. Topless
Katt &Fara: Die!
Bill Gates: Mmm., Topless…….Hay! put me down….. where are you taking me……..hay…….no! No not there! Please, anywhere but there!…..No have mercy….MERCARRRRRRGGGHH! :gulp:
we turn round to find Bill Gates choking, an intriguing shade of orange.
Jolteon: What did you do to him
Fara: fed him poisonberries
Bill Gates staggers off into the forest
Andross: shouldn’t we feel guilty?
A moments pause
Everyone: Naaaaw!
Jason: Well. It’s time for a pretzel……HAY!
Jolteon: What’s wrong, Jason
Jason: My Pretzels…they’re all GONE!
Jolteon: What?
Jason: Pretzels…gone….hyperventilating…….brink of insanity……server anger.
James: Take cover! Mad wolf!
Everyone hides behind a large tree
Jolteon: But how? Who could in the whole of Lylat could eat two tones of pretze….PIGMA!
Pigma: What? I was hungry!
Jolteon: Terrific! Look what you’ve done to the poor guy!
Jason is now foaming at the mouth, tearing trees out of the ground using nothing but his teeth, and mumbling about exploding hamsters
Jolteon: Oh man! Can it get any worse?
Voice: Pik-a-chu!
Leon: You just had to say it.
Jolteon’s arch nemesis Pikachu walks into the clearing. Everyone takes a step away from the enraged Pokémon, as he finally cracks.
Jolteon: PIKACHU? YOU ARE SCUM! SCUM, YOU HEAR? YOU CAN’T EVEN BEAT A CATAPIE! YOU ARE A PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A LIVING CREATURE! ASH SHOULD LIKE ME BEST! I SHOULD BE HIS FAVOURITE POKEMON! NOT YOU, AND…
Jolteon stops ranting, and smile so evilly, even Wolf is scared.
Jolteon: Hang on, lads. I’ve got an idea.
Jolteon stands up and points at Pikachu
Jolteon: He took your pretzels!
Pikachu: Pika?
Jason: Pikachu? I KILL YOU! I KILL YOU DEAD!
Everyone except Jolteon turns away.
Pikachu: Pik…pika-chu….PIKA!…..Chu, chu, CHU!…..kachu.…Pi-pika……chhhhhhu!…..Pi,pi! PIKAAAAAAAAAA!
Jolteon: That’s given me a lump in my throat…. :sniff: :sniff:
By now, Pikachu is a bloody mess around the clearing. Everyone comes out from behind the tree.
Jason: P-Pretzels…..ne-need…..p-p-pretzels.. What the? Those are the two biggest pretzels I’ve ever seen!
Jolteon: What? There are no pretzels here. Just me.. and…….fox…….. oh.
The delusional Wolf advances on me and Fox, salivating.
Jason: That’s it, come to papa, my pretzel pals.
Fox: No, no Jason! Were not pretzels! We’re canines!
Jolteon: Come on, Jason. I’m yellow. I’m not a pretzel
Jason: Really?
Fox: Come on, guys. Do we look like pretzels?
Andross: of course not.
Wolf: Don’t be daft!
Leon: pretzels indeed!
Andrew: Well, I don’t know. You do look a little like pretzels….
Jason: PRETZELS!
He leaps at us
Fox & Jolteon: Arrrrgh!…
Epilogue
Well, it took six hours, three crowbars and a nova bomb, but we finally prised Jason’s mouth off of me and fox. Once again, I’m in intensive care due to 40% of my body being in Wolfman’s stomach. Fox is in the bed next to me in a similar condition. As soon as he was off us, Jason was tranquillised and transported to the nearest pretzel shop. he consumed 60 tonnes of them before getting chronic indigestion, and got carted to hospital. He is in the bed next to fox. Wolf started to clean Pigma’s toilet, but he’s radiation suit failed, and he now resides in the bed next to Jason with chronic crap syndrome. Peppy is restrained in the bed next to Wolf, after his midlife crisis kicked in, and he started to destroy the great fox. Next to peppy is Falco, who is recovering from loosing to Wolf, which left him with a fractured ego. In the next bed along is Leon. It turns out when Peppy hit him, he punctured a cyanide capsule in his mouth. He is now incapable of speaking and has swollen up to the size of Pigma. Speaking of poisoning, Bill Gates is next to Leon. He is having his stomach pumped to get rid of the poisonberries, and is receiving speech therapy because the doctors will crack if he says "och eye" one more time. Next to Bill is Caiman. When he ran away from the bomb, he tripped on a tree route and busted his face up. underneath his full head bandage, we can hear him cursing the nurses for calling him "Goeman". What’s left of Slippy is in the bed next to caiman, after the bomb did it’s work. The doctor has put all of him back together, except his brain, which he can’t find. He doesn’t believe us when we tell him there was never one in the first place. Pigma is in the next two beds after Slippy, as claims he "collapsed from lack of food"( he missed a meal). Andrew is next to Pigma. He got a splinter from a tree, and being such a wuss, insisted on being brought into hospital. Next is Andross. Even though he claims he is fine, The doctors are worried about the fact he only has hands and a head. Finally, Fara is next to Andross, getting corrective surgery on her ears (She’s fed up of the Chihuahua taunts.) and Katt?….
Just then the door opens, and Katt comes in with a bunch of flowers
Katt: These are for you, Jolteon.
Jolteon: Thanks, Katt.
Katt: Umm….Jolteon? The others are all nice, but it’s you I want.
I sit, stunned
Katt: I just love your soft, yellow fur. Your furry ears. Your cute little electric sparkle….
She leans forward to kiss me, and was millimetres from making me a very happy Pokémon when….
Voice: Pik-a-chu!
Katt: Ohhh, a Pikachu!
It turns out Pikachu is in the bed next to me, after being ripped apart by Wolfman.
Katt: Ohh, You’re so cute
Jolteon:……………….
Katt: Your cute little tail, those rosy red cheeks
Jolteon:……………….
Katt: Do you want to be my boyfriend?
Pikachu: Chu!
Jolteon:……………….
Katt & Pikachu: :smmmmmmmoooochhhh:
Jolteon: well…….. that’s………….. that……….maybe…….. I’ll….. Do……… another
Bursts into tears
Jolteon: ……………see………ya.
Written By Jolteon, with a bit of help from Pete. E-mail me at . Many thanks to J. Wolf for Letting me drag him into the insanity that is a star fox interview. (que unnecessary plug.) visit his fantastically furry fan fiction site. (Man, that was a mouthful ^-~), at The Cornerian library .Also thanks to Bill gates for letting me tirelessly abuse him (What he doesn’t know, can’t hurt him ^-^). E-mail him at bill.gates@I’m_a_rich_geek.com I have tried not to nick anyone’s ideas, but if I did, drop us a line and I’ll correct it. I strongly recommend not attempting to do anything in this interview, and if you do, and get hurt, Let me know at I don’t care@don’t sue.com